


Letters To You

by Iwritesinsandprobablytragedies



Category: Love Live! School Idol Project
Genre: Angst, Denial, Drama, F/F, Hints of nicomaki
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-06-09
Updated: 2018-06-09
Packaged: 2019-05-18 23:38:24
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,446
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14862488
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Iwritesinsandprobablytragedies/pseuds/Iwritesinsandprobablytragedies
Summary: One day, at some point, all of my poems became letters to you.A short story of how a poet falls in love.





	Letters To You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ahhhh Love~ I hate it. Hahahahaha but I like it when it's people I ship doe huehuehue.

 Is it polite to stare?

It seems that I have grown quite fond of tracing your silhouette.

Coward 

That's what I am.

Please forgive my lonely heart for wanting to be with you. Please forgive my cowardice mouth for not telling you.

I hate you for not noticing.

But I hate myself more for not saying anything. Because of the fear of losing you.

Hey

What do you think would happen if the words in my mouth were to unravel? Would things ever change between you and me?

Wanting things to remain the same, while desiring change at the same time. How ironic.

All of my confessions right now are probably just a ruse. An excuse not to tell you how I really feel. Hiding behind metaphors and such.

I really am just a coward

Listen,

My dearest friend

I really lov- 

 

"What? Again? Ughhh" Umi complained as she violenty slammed her notebook close  _'Shameless'_ she thought to herself 

This was the fifth time that she had caught herself writing about some 'certain things' about 'certain people'. Who could blame her though? Writing was the only way she could vent out all her feelings. Talking wasn't really Umi Sonoda's thing.

Umi tidied up her desk, not wanting to write for the rest of the evening. She especially hid the notebook she wrote the poem in. It's because that specific notebook was full of poems of the same suit. A secret notebook filled with her secret desires for a certain person. And no. It's not a diary. Umi likes to think of it as 'excerpts from a book I'll never write'.

Umi went straight to her bed then after "How can I face her tomorrow?" Umi questioned, thinking out loud. She turned to her side and covered her face with a pillow. Filling her thoughts with memories of her precious childhood friend. Suddenly she let out a pained sigh "I don't want to though"

It was gonna be a long night 

* * *

Umi woke up at exactly 6:00 in the morning. Despite thinking of her beloved friend all night.  _'A Sonoda never oversleeps'_ Umi thought as she rushed out of bed. She then spreads the curtains of her room, revealing the beautiful scenery of the view outside of her window.

A bird suddenly flew across the window. Umi was caught off-guard but then proceeded to admire the petite animal.  _'It's cute how an animal that small could have such a wide, vast scenery ahead of it'_ She thought  _'Birds really are beautiful'_ She smiled to herself as she kept observing the tiny animal. _'Only when they're free though, how ironic'_ she thought, only this time she wasn't smiling

Umi wallowed in the gracefulness of the scenery in front of her window for a while. At times like these, was it okay for her to be doing nothing but stare? "I should get ready for school now" Umi quietly scolded herself as she moved to her daily routine of prepping for school. She'd have to stop by Honoka and Kotori's house after.

* * *

It was a given that school was going to be boring. Naturally Umi could still remain focused, but now that her mind is getting clogged up. All the lessons went in one ear and came out of the other. This was bad for her grades.

The only highlights of class were when Kotori borrowed a pen from her. Umi couldn't look her directly in the eye though.

Umi still had to go to archery practice. μ's didn't have any practice today 'Archery would probably clear up my mind' Umi though to herself. Of course, it was the exact opposite.

* * *

"Urghh" Umi moaned as she missed another target

"Are you okay?" Her senpai, having caught on her kouhai's scrunched up face, decided to ask what was wrong.

"I-it's nothing" Umi stuttered forcing out a lie

"Doesn't seem like it" Her senpai, clearly not being fooled, offered a mischievous smile "Tell me what's wrong"

"Thanks for caring Rino-senpai. But it's really nothi-"

"I don't believe you" Rino blatantly cut Umi off. She wasn't buying it "Kotori once told me that your face is directly proportional on what you're feeling"

"Wait, Kotori told you that?" Umi asked, having her curiosity piqued when she heard Kotori's name.

"Well... I heard from her. While she was talking to you" Rino let out a snort

"Wait.. You listened to our conversations!?" Umi raised her tone, shocked from this revelation.

"I can't help it" Rino, still giggling, managed to respond amidst all her laughing "You two are just so cute"

"..." Umi was clearly being teased by her senpai's antics. All she could do was blush

"You always get so flustered whenever she's mentioned" Though she was smiling, Rino had stopped giggling by the time she had said that.

"Umm well that's-"

"You like her don't you, Umi" Rino cut her off 

"O-of course! She's my best friend after all" Umi struggled to find an answer 

Rino let out a slightly irritated sigh. Tired of her kouhai's denials "Not like that" Rino looked Umi straight in the eye "You  **LIKE** her"

"I-"

"Umi-chan! Let's go home!" Umi was cut off as Kotori shouted from across the room 

Umi was actually relieved that she was saved from confessing something that she hid very deeply

Rino gave Umi a wink and a pat on the back "We'll continue this discussion tomorrow"

"Y-yeah"

Umi ran across the room and gently put her bow back in its rightful place "Let's go"

"Okay, but aren't you going to say goodbye to your senpai over there?" Kotori politely waved goodbye to Rino, and to that, Rino responded with a smile and waved goodbye as well

"Yeah..." Umi waved goodbye to her senpai.

"Bye Umi! See you tomorrow" Rino shouted and gave Umi a wink

Umi grimaced, she didn't want to go to archery practice tomorrow

* * *

"What were you two talking about?" Kotori questioned

"Nothing" Umi directly answered. Not wanting to touch the topic

"Well.. Just umm.. Don't forget to talk to me too okay?"

"Sure"

Kotori looked dejected. She knew that they were talking about something. But she just couldn't pry on someone else's privacy

And even though it hurt looking at Kotori in her dejected state, Umi just couldn't bring herself to tell Kotori the truth

Both wanting to talk. But none brave enough to break the ice.

And thus, the whole trip home was engulfed in an unpleasant silence.

* * *

Umi plopped down her desk right after she got home. She reminisced what happened earlier and grimaced. Rino was a troubling person. Umi couldn't believe she got herself tangled up in Rino's complicated web.

"Ughh, I just can't bring myself to say anything" Umi complained as she furiously got up and landed in her bed faced down "What's wrong with me" Covering the back of her head with one of the pillows surrounding her

Umi lied in her bed, faced down for awhile. After a few minutes she decides to write something in her 'notebook'

"If I can't say it, might as well write it down"

 

If talking was just as easy as writing. I would never stop talking to you

I would always compliment you. About all the things I love about you

Tell you the right words you need to hear

Comfort you with my words

Assure you with my words

Tell you all the words I need to. Just to make you feel wanted

Or even just talk and have a meaningless conversation

Yet, whenever I look at you

The words would always get tangled up. All lost in the complexity of talking

It's as if you stole the words out of my mouth

And I always get

Tongue Tied

 

Umi let out a sigh and closed her notebook "Talking sucks"

* * *

"What is this? Where am I?" Umi questioned, she was in an unfamiliar place that she had never seen before

"It's important to talk you know" Umi heard a familiar voice, but she just couldn't put her finger on who it was.

Her curiosity was piqued, Umi just had to ask "Who are you? And what are you?"

"I am a lot of things" the voice answered "I may be an amalgamy of the things you hate or I could be a representation of the things you desire"

"What do you mean?" Umi was still confused on why she was hearing the strange voice and her connection with it

The voice offered no answer, only silence. And then proceeded to question "Are those the questions you truly want to ask?" 

"W-what?"

"You know what I'm talking about" The voice spoke in tone that seemed like it knew everything that Umi had locked up in her mind, all her feelings, everything "Have you ever questioned yourself on what you want?"

"What I want is not important" Umi disregarded that question. What she wanted didn't matter to her

"But what if it's important to other people? Would you still ignore what you want?"

"..."

"Humans are naturally selfish" the voice continued "You are denying who you are"

"What do you know about me?" Umi asked in a serious tone. Irritated that the voice never really answered any of her questions

"I know a lot of things, even all the things you want" The voice was unfazed as Umi raised her tone

"What do you know about what I want?!?" At this point Umi was angry. How could a voice just assume that it knew everything that Umi ever wanted. To Umi, it was just unacceptable "I don't even know what I want!"

"Do you not?" Unaffected, the voice continued "Or are you just denying what it is that you truly want"

It hit Umi like a bullet train. Umi was speechless, the voice had a point. She'd have been denying everything ever since she knew her true desires

"I..." Umi wanted to reply, but just couldn't. The voice spoke the absolute truth. Who was she to ever contradict the truth?

"You keep lying to yourself. How boring. I do not wish to speak with you anymore" The voice spoke one last time

"Wait-"

Umi woke up in cold sweat. It was just a dream. Nothing but a dream. But why did it feel so real? It just seemed like it coincided with reality so much

"What a weird dream" Umi said while stifling a yawn. She then immediately went back to sleep. Tomorrow was still a school day 

* * *

At school, all Umi could think about was that she didn't want to go to archery practice. Tomorrow came so soon, she didn't want this.

Suddenly a pen poked her back, it was Kotori's "Umi-chan? Are you okay? You seemed really tensed" Kotori was always concerned about Umi, ever since they were small. Now was not an exception.

"It's nothing" Umi refused to turn her back. She didn't want to see Kotori right now.

"... Okay, I'll leave you be" Kotori felt dejected again. She knew not why Umi felt so distant lately. Or why Umi won't even share a conversation with her anymore. All Kotori could do was accept it

"Just pay attention to the teacher. Don't worry about me"

* * *

 _'How am I supposed to face her?'_  Umi thought as she made her way to archery practice. Rino was gonna be a big problem

"Hey Umi~"

 _'Speak of the devil..'_ Umi felt her stomach churn as she saw Rino. She was the first to greet Umi.

"Why don't we continue our chat yesterday?" Rino teasingly spoke to her junior

"D-didn't we come here to practice?" Umi awkwardly said trying really hard to avoid that topic. But of course, all her efforts were fruitless.

"Nope. We're continuing the conversation"

"Can we not? Please?" Umi pleaded as a last resort 

Her senpai wouldn't budge. She was really getting tired of this "Listen, Umi, you're part of my team, and trust me, you're a great aim. But when something is in your mind? You miss every single target, I can't have that. It's my job as your senpai, and your teammate to help" Rino let out a sigh "So won't you please let me?"

 "I-I..." Umi stuttered, was she really gonna do this? All Umi could do was let the words slide out of her mouth "Okay... I'll talk about it"

Rino let out a sigh of relief "Finally. Why don't we sit down?"

* * *

"So you're saying that you like her. But keep denying it?" Rino questioned after their discussion about Umi's feelings

"..."

Rino giggled at the sight of her speechless junior "The silence is an answer itself" Rino gave Umi a pat on the back "Let's talk about this more tomorrow, it seems that your friend over there is looking for you" Rino pointed at Kotori who was on her way to fetch Umi

Umi hadn't noticed that Kotori was there. She didn't want Kotori to see her like this. Looking so vulnerable "I don't want to see her"

"Why not?" Rino was concerned

"Because I can't take it anymore!" Umi's composure was crumbling down "I can't stand the the fact that I'll always be so close to her.. And yet.. So far away.." Umi said as she held back her tears 

"So you want to purposely distance yourself from her?"

"No! I mean- Yes! I mean- I.. I don't know!" Umi struggled to answer while holding back her tears. And hid her face between her legs 

"Got it" Rino got up and tried to make her way to Kotori. Umi looked up at Rino and suddenly grabbed hold of her sleeve "Where are you going?" Rino was silent. Offering no answer, but a simple nod. 

Rino eventually made her way to Kotori and tried to converse with her

"Excuse me, Minami-san was it? Umi isn't here at the moment. She went home early to take care of important matters" Rino made up an excuse. She knew that Umi didn't want Kotori to see her all messed up. Rino tried her best to be a senpai 

"Oh may I ask why?" Kotori wanted to press on further. You can't blame her for being concerned about her friend 

"I'm sorry, even I don't know why"

"I see..  Thank you.. Umm?" Kotori wanted to thank her senpai, but didn't know her name 

"Oh, it's Rino" Rino politely shook Kotori's hand "Sawada Rino"

"Then, thank you. Sawada-senpai" Kotori politely bowed and waved Rino goodbye 

As Umi observed the two from afar. She noticed that Rino was coming back. Umi was tempted to ask what they were talking about

"What did you do?"

"I gave you some time" Rino offered Umi a comforting smile "I know it's not much, but it'll help you with your decisions. Have some alone time to contemplate about everything"

Umi was so thankful of her senpai, she just had to hug her and Rino hugged her back  "Thank you" was all Umi managed to get out

They stay like that for awhile. Neither wanting to let go

"Heh okay kid, you can let go now" Umi then immediately let go of the hug. Knowing that she accidentally invaded Rino's privacy 

"Sorry" Umi said as she unconsciously tidied up a stray piece of hair and put it at the back of her ear

* * *

The walk home was silent. The only companion that Umi had was loneliness. It was saddening, but she knew that she needed it. She knew she had to think before doing anything else. She had to think about what to tell Kotori tomorrow.

As if on cue, a bird suddenly chirped. The bird was probably hungry, it wouldn't stop pestering Umi. Umi decides to entertain the bird for awhile, seeing that it wouldn't leave her alone. Umi has a thing for attracting birds. 

* * *

As Umi got home she immediately searched for her 'notebook'. She wanted to write something down before it disappeared from her thought

 

They say

Distance

Is what keep people away from each other

Well I say

It's feelings

Because the person right in front of me

Is so close

Yet

 So far away

 

Umi closed her notebook and started to think about what to do tomorrow. Would she tell Kotori about what she felt? Or would she tell her the opposite? Umi doesn't know. But when morning comes, she'll have her answer

* * *

"How much sorrow can you take? Before your facade crumbles?" It was the voice from last night 

"Didn't you tell me you didn't want to see me anymore? Who are you?" The voice was so familiar. It was on the tip of Umi's tongue 

"Don't you think a bird is more beautiful when they fly freely?"

"What do you mean?" Umi was confused

"We'll see" The voice disappeared with a series of sinister laughters

"Hey-"

Umi woke up in the middle of the night again. Why did she dream about that voice again? She thought to herself. 

Umi tried to sleep. But whenever she did, all she could think about was her dream. And all that sinister laughter. It seemed like her dream was talking about her reality

_'A bird is more beautiful they fly freely, huh'_

* * *

"Kotori"

"Yes Umi-chan?" Kotori was slightly exited seeing that Umi personally called her. She was worried that her relationship with Umi was falling apart the past few days. She was expecting great news 

_'I'm sorry Kotori... But I have to do this...'_

"From now on you should just go home without me" Umi regretfully said "I'll be really busy from now on"

"..." Kotori couldn't answer, all her expectations were shot down, all she could do was nod. She knew Umi was lying. But she knew that was what Umi probably wanted. Kotori tried not to mind her own feelings, what Umi wanted was more important to Kotori than her own feelings.

* * *

"You can't keep avoiding her you know" Rino was concerned about Umi, she looked very unstable lately "It been five days" Umi ignored every sentence Rino threw at her, only focusing on the target "You haven't been practicing with μ's lately too"

"..."

"You can't keep ignoring me as well"

Umi sharply inhaled and angrily put her bow down "Wanna bet?"

"You can't keep pushing people away just cause you want to"

"I'm going home" Umi said as she walked out of the room 

"You can't keep doing that too!" Rino shouted from across the room. She was really getting worried

* * *

"Umi-chan wait!" Kotori was breathless from chasing Umi

Umi turned her back to see Kotori trying to catch her breath "What?"

"Why have you been avoiding me?" Kotori was concerned. Their friendship was falling apart.

"..." Umi was tempted to talk, but just couldn't. She was tongue tied

"I know it's for good reasons" Kotori tried to hold back her tears "But I can't help but feel that you hate me!"

"Yeah that's right" Umi lied

"W-What?" at this point Kotori was on the brink of tears

_'Forgive me Kotori, but this is for your own good'_

Umi was gonna say it, the hardest lie she could ever tell "I hate you!" Umi raised her tone "Don't ever talk to me again! Got it?"

And that was it. The final nail in the coffin. Kotori ran away in tears fleeing from Umi's sight

* * *

 Run away

Run away

Run away

All I do is run away

Run Run Run

Delay the pain

Run Run Run

Never see her again

* * *

"You must be tired from all that running" The voice spoke again

"What do you want now?" Umi was really getting annoyed with the voice

"Are you happy?" The voice questioned

"Are  **you** happy?! That you made me like this?!" Umi raised her tone, tired of this nonsense

"Blaming me won't help"

"Oh, And why is that?!" Umi complained

"For I am you and you are me. We are the same being"

"What?!?" Shocked, Umi was just shocked

"Why are you so shocked? Didn't I tell you the first time we met?"

"I thought you were just joking"

"Why would I lie to myself?"

Now Umi knew why the voice was so familiar. It was her own. The voice didn't tell her what to do, she, herself did. She pushed people away. Umi has nobody to blame but herself.

"Blaming yourself won't help. Will you push me away too? I am all that you have left. Will you lose yourself as well?"

"I-I..."

Umi woke up in tears. She pushed people away. She has no one left but herself. She even made the person that she loved cry. 

"Great job Sonoda, you really screwed up" Umi said to herself as she continued crying.

The night was silent no more

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well... This chapter took an unexpected dark turn... Even I didn't expect it... 
> 
> And I know this chap wasn't really shippy. Yeah sorry about that.


End file.
